In school, we saw the same kids every day, we were encouraged to join already organized clubs and groups, and it was easy to find people with common interests. Your friends probably lived nearby, so it was easy to hang out outside of school, and it was typical to just sit around and talk or watch TV without the pressure of doing an activity or entertaining your friends. On top of that, there were football games, dances and musicals planned and put on by the school, eliminating the need to coordinate and plan with friends.
Life is harder now as people's schedules change, responsibilities increase, maturity levels vary, and priorities shift. Friendships from childhood can naturally drift apart as people move, evolve interests, or move onto different life stages.
For all of these reasons and more, it's not easy to make friends as an adult. Add it to the list of things we have to deal with now, I'm sure you're really excited about it. But friendship is important for our mental health. It's healthy to have friendships outside of your romantic relationships, and to have multiple people you can rely on, get support from, and relate to. Friendships can help increase self-esteem, reduce the likelihood of depression, and even reduce the risk of heart related death.
So what are we supposed to do to find these wonderful, life-changing friendships as adults?
Where do I find friends?
There are still options for meeting new friends as an adult. Here are a few ideas:
Join a Club:
There actually are clubs available to adults! They just aren't always as obvious as the ones we joined in high school. Hobbies are good for mental health and have a bonus of helping you find like-minded people to hang out with. If you're interested in it, there is probably a group of people who are also interested. Here are some various club, or club-adjacent ideas you might try to find in your area:
Hiking Club
Religious Organization (i.e. Bible study, religious services)
Book Club
Community Theater
Parent Group
Take a Class:
Similar to clubs, there are classes available to adults that people often attend more than once. If you're consistent about showing up, you'll probably notice others who also go consistently. Some examples of classes you could take:
Workout classes
Dance classes
Art classes (ceramics, painting)
Rock climbing lessons
Yoga
Use an App:
You can search for groups and classes in your basic online search engine, but I would also recommend checking out Facebook groups. There are thousands of groups on Facebook that can help you connect with people locally and all over the world. Whether you need support with co-parenting, want to chat with others about the newest episode of your favorite true-crime podcast, or want to learn more about a new hobby, there is a group on Facebook for it. There are also tons of local groups, especially in major cities, for people looking to meet other locals. Just search something you're interested in and your city on Facebook and then click "groups" to see what's out there. For example, I searched "board games Chicago" and found at least four groups of locals who like to get together to play board games together. You can also find pages and groups where people in your city post about events happening around town so you can find events you may be interested in attending.
In addition to Facebook groups, there are apps and websites specifically designed to help people meet new friends. The two apps I think may have the most traffic are Meetup and Bumble for Friends. Meetup is for people to form and join groups to meet up (get it?) together. You can filter by your city and interests and it will recommend groups for you to join. Bumble for Friends is similar to a dating app. You create a profile about yourself to tell people what kinds of things you like to do and about your personality, and you swipe through others' profiles to match with and chat with individuals who are also looking for friends. It takes out some of the awkwardness that may come with approaching strangers in public, because you know that everyone on the app is looking to meet new people and make new friends.
Get Out More:
It's pretty hard to meet real-life people if you only stay at home. Sometimes just getting outside and hanging out around your town is the best way to make new friends. Maybe start doing some work at the same coffee shop once or twice a week, attend local events and festivals, go on regular walks at the park near your house, or try new restaurants. Be open to being friendly with others, and ask people questions with sincerity. You don't have to force conversation, and you can even wait and see if someone starts a conversation with you, just go in with an open mind.
I have a friend who got coffee every morning at the same coffee shop and he would chat with the barista there while they made his coffee. Eventually they found out they had similar interests and the barista invited my friend to join his Dungeons and Dragons group. Now my friend has a weekly event and four new friends just because he got coffee at the same place and was friendly. I've had short conversations with people at local art festivals. I've asked strangers what they thought about a piece of jewelry I was looking at and we chatted for a couple minutes. It might not always turn into making plans or a lifelong friendship, but even short pleasant conversations with people can make your day and give you some practice for continuing to put yourself out there.
Volunteer:
If there is a cause you care about, find local nonprofits who are helping to work with that cause. They almost always want volunteers. You can become a regular volunteer or find charities that are putting on events. Volunteering is a great way to meet people who care about the same things you care about, and having friends with similar values is important. Strike up a conversation with another volunteer or an employee of the nonprofit about why they care about their work and go from there!
Go to Work:
Jobs are the closest things we have to making friends the way we did back in school. You showed up on the first day and felt people out to see if they would be a good fit, and over time you got to know certain people better and found people you vibed with best. Being stuck in the same building with them for 8 hours a day helped too. If you have a coworker who you feel like "gets you," start asking some more questions about their life outside of work and then invite them to grab dinner or go to an event outside of work sometime!
How do I make and keep a friend?
I have two big pieces of advice when it comes to getting to know a new person and maintaining a good relationship with them.
Be Selectively Vulnerable: It's awkward to give your entire life story and dump your trauma on someone you met five minutes ago. At the same time, people need to know something about you if you're going to have a friendship. If a new friend says something you relate to, offer up some information about your experiences. Be honest about how things are going when they ask how you're doing. Tell them what you like about hanging out with them. If deciding what you're okay sharing with strangers or trusting new people is scary for you, it may be helpful to work with a therapist to prepare for talking to new people.
Genuinely Care About Others: If it's hard to come up with things to talk about with new people, make a list of things you want in a friend and ask about that. Do you want friends with similar values? Similar interests? Similar backgrounds? Do you want to meet people who are empathic or funny? These are all things you can ask in a conversation as you get to know people. If your goal is to get to know someone who you can get along well with, you probably won't ask a wrong question. If you practice active listening (listening to understand, instead of listening to respond), you will form meaningful friendships faster.
Making friends as an adult is not easy, but it is worth it. Adult friendships can be lasting, supportive, and fulfilling. You are worth healthy relationships, and you are worth the effort it takes to make and maintain them.
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